Of Safety and Precautions
by PonceIndustries
Summary: One thing that everyone knows is that Jim is a reckless mess. However, after the Khan incident, it's clear that something must be done. Bones thinks so. Spock does too. And Uhura. Scotty. Sulu. Chekov. The bridge crew. The entire crew. Ensigns-okay basically everyone. Lines between protection and mutiny blur. T for any mild violence.
1. Prologue

_**Disclaimers**_ : I do not own any of the Star Trek characters nor do I own any references that may be made.

 _ **A/N:** A prompt response for_ **Tishbing**! _The promp_ _t was soooo hilarious that I simply HAD to respond to it! I have the Prologue here, and I will be posting Chapter 1 shortly after. Thanks for letting me write it! I hope everyone stays in character. I will be going back and forth between my main story,_ Stark Difference.

 **A List Of What's Not Okay**

"Are we all are aware of the topic of the meeting today?" Spock questioned as he stood before the rest of the crew.

Kirk was currently recovering on Earth from the blood transfusion. The meeting was set the day before Jim was discharged from the hospital. Kirk would never be aware of the conference and no soul would have proof that the meeting ever happen. Even the straight-laced Commander Spock was convinced that it wasn't necessary to jot it down on the record because the meeting was, as Uhura had put it, a 'gathering of acquaintances'.

"The man has very rash tendencies. I think we can all agree that this last time was… too much," Uhura added, giving Spock a quick weary glance. He nodded at the comment, and the rest of the bridge crew all murmured their agreements.

"Of course it was. I suppose I'm glad everyone finally sees things in my light for once about the kid and his stupid stunts," Leonard grumbled, petting a tribble on his lap. It was the same tribble that he had used to find the vaccine for Jim. He had grown attached to it ever since; the creature basically helped him save his best friend. Now, no one could peel the thing off of his person.

Spock looked down at the informal member, but made no comment on the subject. He decide to keep to himself in favor of the much more important topic at hand.

"I simply theenk ve vill nut be able to stop the Keptin from his bad habits," Chekov thought out loud.

"Well it goes back to his reckless personality," Sulu supplied as he leaned back to look around the room.

"Deh Capt'n's biggest issue is not usin' deh ol' noggin, as he is a rather smart lad, but he does need lectures in usin' some darn precautions," Scotty declared, turning to Keenser for support. The small creature nodded furiously.

"Regardless of the stubbornness our Captain constantly displays," Spock continued, "I have decided that rather than sitting him down in an attempt at persuasion, _we_ take the precautions in the Captain's further actions. He must not be allowed to place himself in immediate danger, and with the start of the five year mission, I find my estimations to be that he will do just that around 95% of each mission approached. This is taking into account that some planets will not be as hostile as others and not factoring in any mishaps we may encounter abruptly between travels of said planets."

Leonard grimaced, "unbelievable," he muttered.

"These are simply calculations," he stated as he brought out the digital screen. He connected a Bluetooth with his pad and began to type information on the screen, "I would like each of us to contribute a solution that can help remedy this issue," He typed his name out in all caps, "I will discuss this issue with Prime Spock and work out more calculations, as well as tendencies of our Captain; this will give us an upper hand." He listed out his plans on his name, "Would anyone like to offer any more suggestions?"

"I don't know what you want us to suggest, Spock," Sulu shrugged, "we don't have any authority or power over Kirk. The man simply jumps the gun in any given scenario."

"Vut that ees the plan!" Chekov called out, "Ve do nut allow the Keptin to be avare that ve vill help," he placed his index finger in front of his mouth in a signal of silence, "Knowing will hev heem suspect us, end therefore, 'jump the gun' before ve help. Vat Keptin does nut know, will nut hurt heem. Literally."

"I like you, kid," Mccoy stated, and offered the tribble for him to pet. Chekov smiled broadly and petted the furry creature.

"Well that all seems fine and dandy," Scotty interrupted, "but Kirk is no moron; he has a nasty intuition over underground negotiations."

Uhura crossed her arms, "This isn't an unground negotiation, Mr. Scott," she corrected firmly, "they are safety precautions. We are talking about our friend needing a little… guidance, is all."

Spock jotted down 'incognito guidance' onto the top of the list he was writing.

"Might as well write 'List of Things Jim Is Not Allowed To Do'," Leonard commented, "and write dying in all caps as numbers 1 through 10. Memorize by repetition."

"I would say that we should do this individually, rather than a group," Sulu spoke up, "each of should do it our own way."

Spock turned to Sulu, "that could risk the secrecy of the mission-," everyone gave him a questioning look, "-the objective," he corrected.

"Jottin' down a to-do list like this is some kind of schoolhouse is ridiculous," Mccoy complained, "I studied medics, and then just got off of the academy. I don't need any more stuffy teachers tellin' me to follow a pointless bulletin list, especially concerning my friends. I say we go with Sulu's plan; we've got to do it in a way that's not systematic. Besides, Jim's good with puzzles, and nothing is more predicable than a system, hobgoblin."

Spock thought the concept over, "that seems… logical," he thought, slightly surprised at who the comment was directed towards, "…but refrain from verbal insults to a superior officer."

Mccoy rolled his eyes.

Uhura stood up and approached Spock, "You're too used to being a teacher, Spock," she teased as she held her hand out for the pad. Spock held out the pad to her and she erased all the information except for the title. The Vulcan would later deny that he believed that course of action was not the kindest.

"The one thing we should keep in mind is this title, 'Incognito Guidance'," she stated as she looked at the screen and back at her friends, "use your strong points, guys. We've been in tougher situations haven't we? And we are about to face a lot more. Think of this as the next level."

"Thees ees more like ve are still on level von and mein character hed 'respawn'," Chekov joked; and everyone gave him a grim look, "Ah, too soon?" he asked feebly.

* * *

°*O*°

* * *

In his biobed in a hospital at Earth, Captain Kirk was doing a shimmy of excitement. _Tomorrow,_ he thought, _I will be getting back to my ship and her wonderful crew_.

Nurses chuckled as they passed by him in their rounds. They caught glimpses of him as he did jazz hands on his own and chant to himself, "Enterprise-to-the-Captain, EY~! Captain-to-the-Enterprise, EY~! One-more-day-to-go, EY~! PewPew. Pew, Pew, EY~! PewPew. Pew, Pew, EY~!"

.

.

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 _ **A/N:** You won't be smiling for long, Jim_.

 _Btw Im trying to keep with accents, but if it gets too confusing for you guys let me know! If no one seems troubled, though, I will just continue in a similar way I wrote it in this chapter._

 _Thanks to_ **Tishbing** _for the prompt!_


	2. On My Nerves

_**Disclaimers:**_ I do not own Star Trek, its characters, or have ever boldy gone. Nor do I own any references made.

 _ **A/N:** Welcome back my young/midaged/old/prime readers! This shall be the continuation of Jim's safety, a prompt given to me by _**Tishbing** _! I hope to cover all the bullet points, my friend! This first one covers Bonus 1: Nerve Pinching._

 _I hope you enjoy!_

 **On my Nerves (and Pinching Them)**

Jim stepped off of the transporter pad unsurprised. Many of the ensigns and crew members whispered amongst themselves and others welcomed him wearily as he directed himself to the bridge. The idea of how much do we touch on the 'you came back from the dead' topic evaded everyone. People were going to be walking on eggshells around him for a bit until they got used to him being alive again, and Kirk was very much prepared to be seeing some of this.

"Captain on the bridge," announced a lieutenant. The bridge crew all turned to give him their attention.

Kirk gave a sheepish smile at the silence, "I'm back, guys."

The tension then broke as all of his friends returned broad smiles. They paused their work to greet him.

McCoy was the first to walk up to him to give him a big hug, "Don't you ever give us a scare like that again, Jim," he ordered, giving a breathy chuckle.

"Glad to see you too, Bones," he replied jovially as he patted the doctor on the back.

Spock following behind and nodded at him, "welcome back, Captain," he greeted.

Jim reached over and clasped Spock's shoulder, "Spock! Did you miss me?"

The Vulcan did not avoid the gesture. It seemed he was lowering his reserves on him.

"Vulcans do not-"

"I get it Spock, you missed me a lot," Jim finished with a teasing undertone in his voice. He clapped his hands together in excitement as he strode to his chair, but paused.

"What is that?" he asked pointing at his Captain's chair. There was a soft cushion on the seat.

All that followed was silence. Spock rose a brow and looked at Leonard, who shrugged and looked at the bridge crew.

"Oh that!" Chekov answered, "That ees cushion for Keptins's chair! The ensigns vanted to geeve a 'Velcome Beck' gift!"

Jim approached his chair and cocked his head to the side, "I appreciate the sentiment, but I came back from the dead, not break my tailbone."

Young Chekov shrugged and turned back to his work.

"This is why I preferred a system, Doctor," Spock whispered to McCoy.

"Oh can it, hobgoblin, he didn't suspect anything," the doctor hissed back.

"Bones? Spock? What are you two whispering about?" Kirk questioned as he handed the cushion to a Yeoman and took a seat.

"Bickering, Jim," Bones stated as he sauntered next to Jim's chair.

"Affirmative," Spock confirmed, following suit to the other side of their Captain.

Kirk raised a brow, "Whoa, you both admit to that? That's new," he frowned, "I hope you two didn't get too buddy-buddy without me. Agreeing to stuff and all that."

Spock trained his face, and Jim assumed it was probably the Vulcan's version of a grimace, "I assure you Captain, chances of that occurring consistently are very slim."

"Really? Because I find that comment quite agreeable. Two in a row, hobgoblin, how is that for consistency?" McCoy countered.

"Your statement is a paradox, doctor. By agreeing to it, you believe that-"

"Write me an essay, would you?"

"Very well. I will have it at your desk by 0700 tomorrow, Doctor."

"What?- I didn't- that's sarcasm-!"

Their Captain leaned back on his chair, looking between the two men with an amused expression.

Up at the front Uhura shook her head at the sound of the argument, _those men could smoothly avoid any topic with their constant bickering._

* * *

° *°*O*°* °

* * *

Kirk could not help but feel giddy. The next planet was the first planet the Enterprise was to greet without any prior knowledge of its composition. They were finally out of known territory.

He strode forward through the Enterprise corridor with Spock and other crew members following suit, "Okay Spock, here's what's going to happen. I need a party of five. You, me, Lieutenant Kristov, Ensign Robert, and Ensign Luis."

Spock nodded as the Starfleet members dispersed and the named men stepped forward, "Set phasers to stun; this is basic negotiation. Take too many people, and they'll feel intimidated, take too little people, and they can easily overpower us."

"Sound logic, Captain," The first officer replied. He commended his Captains assurance to stay safe. The members all reported to the transporter room and Scotty and Keenser stood at head of the control room.

Jim smiled brightly and waved at Scotty, "Hi Scotty, Keenser, how's your day?"

"Oh, uh, very pleasant, Capt'n," Scotty answered tiredly. Engineering was never pleasant, but Jim really didn't intend on asking how his day was in hopes of a complaint. Keenser shrugged, and gave a thumbs up.

Kirk nodded and stood straighter, "Alright, beam us down," he stated.

"Aye, Capt'n," Scotty replied.

The transporter whirred and the crew members were beamed off to their destination.

The planet was a Class M planet with unknown classification of species. The natives approached the group cautiously. They were humanoids with completely white eyes. They dressed in tight chrome uniforms, and wore their hair up in a complicated hairdo that seemed to defy gravity. The planet itself looked very industrial, with machinery sputtering and gears grinding; the whole planet's land seemed to be patched up with metal. Spock took a step forward and held out his Vulcan greeting. Jim looked at the Vulcan questioningly, but took a step forward himself. He pulled out the universal translator and began to speak.

"Greetings! My name is James Tiberius Kirk, and my friends and I come in peace. We are here to-"

"You are those from the Stars?" one Native interrupted, pointing in the sky.

Jim gave a curious glance at the outspoken native and then back at the rest, "Uh, are you aware of us?"

They all begin to talk quickly and loudly and one calls out a phrase that each begin to repeat; one that Jim would never be able to relay in his star log without butchering. He peeks a glance at Spock, who is standing as cool as an ice berg. As stiff and rigid as one, too. Kirk then turned back to notice one tall male approaching from the back of the crowd; all the Natives parted as they made way for him.

"Go back, Star people, for you are not welcome here," the large man stated firmly.

Jim frowned; this was his first discovery mission! And these Natives are already booting him out?!

"We do not hope to harm your people," Jim assured, "why do you not welcome us, if I may be so bold to ask?"

The native shook his head, "People from the stars do not ever come in peace. They only ever come to take."

Jim looked at Spock. The Vulcan placed himself in front of the Captain, and Jim couldn't pinpoint whether that was on purpose or accident.

"We do not come to take anything," Spock began, "We simply wish to ask if we could-"

"-Take," The leader interrupted; it seemed these species were into that course of action, interrupting. He pointed at the city, "This is our home, and we have worked very hard in constructing it. You, star people, come and take our stones and destroy our hard work along with them!"

Jim raised his brows, "take your stones?" he looked around the planet _, could they be talking about dilithium crystals?_ Honestly he hoped he didn't have to deal with that sort of business so soon.

Lieutenant Kristov spoke up, "How did these star people look like?" he asked.

"They looked much like yourself!" the Native replied, "Except they simply plowed through our lands and carved into the earth without our consent or an exchange of word," he crossed his arms, "we vowed that such people would never be forgiven. And perhaps you are back because you have made one fatal mistake," he pulled out a phaser, "You left this artifact behind."

He pointed the weapon forward and shot at Lieutenant Kristov. The man fell onto the metal ground with a loud clang. The two ensigns rushed to him and held him up.

"What setting do you have that on?!" Kirk demanded furiously, stepping closer to the leader.

The Native didn't answer as he aimed to shoot at him. Kirk was about to jump out of the way and make a dash to the alien when suddenly he felt a hard tug to the side and his vision went black.

* * *

° *°*O*°* °

* * *

Jim found himself laying on a biobed, "What happened?" he asked groggily. He flinched and sat up to attention, quickly patting himself down, "Did I get shot?!"

"No," answered McCoy's thick southern accent, "You were just knocked out."

"I see," Jim whispered, still confused. He looked up at Bones, "And Lieutenant Kristov?"

"The Natives had the setting to stun. So the man's alright. Spock was able to retrieve the gun. Apparently some Klingons happened to discover some dilithium crystals on these fellows a while back and extracted them the hard way. Left one of their phasers behind. The Natives then went on an industrial revolution in hopes to protect their home by patching it with metal. Which, mind you, wouldn't have helped at all, and they grew hostile to anything that came from the sky. Their leader, the guy who shot Lieutenant Kristov, was the one who discovered the darn weapon."

"…Bones?"

"Yeah?"

"Is that a tribble on your shoulder?"

"Were you listening to a word I said or were you just staring at my tribble?"

"No, no, I was listening, but, uh, _your_ tribble?"

"Yes, _my_ tribble."

"…oh? Uh, right…" he forced himself to look away. He rubbed his neck, still confused, "Wait, how exactly was I knocked out, then?"

Bones crossed his arms, "Spock nerve pinched you."

The Captain blinked, "…What?"

"Like I said kid, Spock nerve pinched you and you fell like a sack of potatoes. He then disarmed the native, nerve pinched him, and explained that neither was dead. He was lucky they were gullible folks. After that he called Scotty to beam you and Lieutenant Kristov up. Both of you have been in Med Bay while he's down wrapping up business-"

"WHAT."

"I'm not about to repeat everything I just said, Jim. Just read the reports," Bones sighed as he pulled out his pad to type Jim's vitals. His tribble chirped happily on his shoulder, "No immediate nerve damage. You're free to go."

"Wait, but, Spock…?" Jim stuttered as he stood up, "That was completely uncalled for! I didn't do anything wrong! What in the world was he thinking to-! ...I need to talk to him." Kirk began to stalk out of the room.

"Jim, he was just doing his job," McCoy commented as he followed the power-walking Captain.

"Are you _kidding_ me right now, Bones?!" Jim halted and turned to his friend, "he nerve pinched me in a mission! I mean, if it were anybody but Spock pulling that kind of stunt, I'd seriously think that was mutiny!" the Captain paused for a moment before he glared suspiciously at his CMO, "why the heck are you defending him? Isn't this the perfect opportunity for you to rant about how he should get demoted or something?"

"Captain, do you have a problem with my course of action?"

Jim turned swiftly to his first officer, who was rounding the corner in front of the Med Bay, "Actually, I do, Mr. Spock. You nerve pinched me? Mind explaining that to me?"

Spock placed his hands behind his back, "Of course, Captain," Spock stated calmly, "Your usual tendencies are estimated to be 82.7 percent towards rash action and the likely outcome of your displays of aggression lead to 94.83 percent retaliation on any given situation. As such, I decided to decimate this occurrence by 35 percent by restraining you in a clean manner and dealing with the Natives in a much more logical approach."

Kirk frowned at the estimates Spock was giving him, "Spock, where were these percentages calculated from?"

"From you, Captain," Spock replied, complete composure radiating from him. He would omit that a large percentage of the calculations were from Prime Spock, who would only indulge him on that much, but his numbers were technically true, "based on your usual course of action, your personal's habits and tendencies, and of course, I have reviewed any of the past missions we have had…," the Vulcan felt himself frowning in remembrance, picturing the watery-eyed expression of his Captain behind glass.

Jim, unaware of the meaning behind the Vulcan's words, shook his head, "I'm not going to do something violating the prime directive. Ahem, unless I really need to. Regardless, you're only allowed to nerve pinch in emergencies, Spock," he pointed at the Vulcan, "And that's an order."

"Of course Captain," the Commander snapped up straight dutifully, "Only in emergency."

* * *

° *°*O*°* °

* * *

The fifth time Jim woke up in the biobed he looked around groggily and rubbed his head, "Bones, I'm not letting Spock in any more away missions."

"What? You didn't even ask how you got in the biobed!" McCoy complained.

"Bones," Kirk complied sarcastically, "How did I get in the biobed?"

"Well, let me tell you," Bones answered triumphantly; his tribble cooing in his hands, "You got socked in the head by an ensign."

Jim squinted at Bones, "First off, that's nothing to be proud of, so don't look so smug. Second, why the heck did an ensign knock me over the head? And with WHAT?" Jim tried to think of what he was doing last before he black out. He was traveling with Spock and three ensigns. They were in a rocky planet and the natives looked almost like Gorns, but with longer snouts and they walked on all four legs. They also had duller claws, and… pretty much crocodiles, honestly.

The second they saw them beam down they charged to attack them.

The five members hide behind some large boulders as the aliens scavenged for them. Jim made a point of placing the ensigns between himself and Spock considering how the past 4 missions have ended.

"Captain," Ensign.. er, what's-his-name inquired, "What are your orders?"

Jim looked at the ensign and thought to himself aloud, "I'd say the safest thing is for everyone to beam up, but we really need to know how if we can negotiate. Perhaps if I get close enough to distinguish if they have speech…"

"Captain, I do not think that is a wise choice," Spock whispered.

Jim glared at him and responded in a hushed tone, "Well I never thought that you nerve pinching me was a wise choice."

"Now is not the time, Captain," Spock retaliated.

Jim gave a breathy chuckle, "Oh, but you make sure to place 'nerve pinch Captain' on the agenda."

The three ensigns looked at each other awkwardly.

"As you are well aware," the Vulcan countered, "I do not explicitly write 'nerve pinch Captain' on any of my prepared schedules for the missions."

"Yeah, but I'm sure you do it _implicitly_."

"You are straying from the main objective of this mission."

" _You're_ straying from the main objective."

"That comment did not-"

"You nerve pinch me again Spock and so help me the moment I wake up YOU will be the one marooned on some deserted chunk of an ice planet."

They glared at each other for a long time until one of the ensigns cleared their throat.

Spock was the first to speak, "very well. Upon my honor as a Vulcan, you may rest assured that I shall not nerve pinch you during the course of this mission no matter how much of an emergency. These ensigns may attest to this utterance."

Jim looked at the ensigns, whom all nodded vigorously.

"Alright Spock. I trust you," Jim replied, relaxing his shoulders. He turned around and peeked above the boulder. The area looked clear.

"Okay, so here's the plan-," and the last thing Jim saw was a giant rock hit him square in the face.

…Oh yeah.

"Don't worry Jim," Bones assured him, "There aren't any scars on your face. Now, I'm not sure there are any immediate procedures for scars on your pride."

"Can you have the ensign who threw the rock report to me?" Jim commented as he put his yellow shirt on.

Bones looked down at the tribble and back at him, "None of the ensigns were able to distinguish who threw it."

Jim frowned, "So none admit to attacking me?"

"Hey, they knocked you out upon the defense of your reckless behavior," Bones commented.

"What about Spock?" Kirk pushed, "Does he know?"

As if on cue, Spock replied from the entrance of the room, "I'm afraid that I was looking over the boulder when it happened."

The captain paused in thought before crossing his arms, "Well have them meet me in the conference room," he demanded.

"Great," Bones replied as he lifted his tribble on his shoulder, "What are their names?"

Another pause. Bones and Spock looked at the Captain expectantly.

"Uh, ahem," Jim wavered, "Does Spock have the mission report, with everyone's names?" he looked at his friend hopefully.

"That is your job, Captain," Spock stated. He rose a brow, "…Do you not know their names?"

"Is that necessary on the log?" he whispered, slightly worried.

"Captain, I believe that the ensigns took a reasonable course of action. I would not have approached the situation in such a violent manner, but I suppose that is how Terran tendencies work," Spock raised his brows in a pensive manner, "Perhaps the ensigns do not need to be berated by the Captain. I will speak to the ensigns as a whole. I believe that a modification in training will lead them in a better understanding of how to handle these situations."

Jim frowned at Spock, "Well, I don't really want to let this slide, but I suppose I've done worse to the chain of command...," He gave a stern look at his Commander, "I'll have to ask you to place a much more strict regimen for their training from now on. I can't have ensigns unruly so early in the five year mission."

Spock nodded, "Of course Captain, they will be trained accordingly and through Starfleet regulations."

The Captain nodded, "And Spock?" he awkwardly patted the Vulcan on the shoulder, "Be sure to uh, review some of those courses yourself."

.

.

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 _ **A/N:** SPACK! Oh man, this Vulcan is so not smooth... Plus we know Spock will be talking to those ensigns, but not in the manner Jim would think. _

_Okay please forgive me but that tribble has now become part of the crew and an official character._


	3. CMO Override

_**Disclaimers**_ : I do not own Star Trek, its characters, or any references made. I just have a lot of fan feelings and these fan feelings needed to be spread onto the world.

 ** _A/N:_** _Readers far and wide! Welcome back to my story! Prompt given to me by_ **Tishbing** _! Which I thank so much for allowing me to write! Next on the list: Bonus 2: Hypos. Bones with no apologies! Of course, we will start off light: Physicals. (Part of Bonus 5 in the prompt)._

 _I hope you get some laughs!_

 **CMO Override: Allergens, Jim!**

Bones saw that coming. Spock being down for the count. The man was too predictable. But luckily, Jim didn't suspect anything. He just supposed that Spock was just being regulation Spock.

Leonard Horatio McCoy, however, wouldn't fail that easily. He would be more… subtle. So for next three diplomatic missions, Jim went Spock-free. The first officer, of course, sat next to Uhura, tracking his vitals closely from the ship. Once the Spock phase seemed forgotten, Leonard struck.

Kirk was guiding a portion of his crew to the transporter pad. He was very excitedly relaying his plans for the next mission to Lieutenant Michael, Ensign Marilyn, and Ensign Rupandey. This next one would be of adventure, not fancy dress uniforms and cocktails. There was little knowledge of the planet and nothing made the thrilled man happier. No Spock to stop him, either. This was a mission just for Jim. Even as he addressed his officers, his smile was worn very brightly; flashing strongly at the redshirts. He noticed his doctor approaching and cocked his head as the man settled himself in front of the beam down party. Bones hated the transporter room, why was he standing here?

McCoy crossed his arms, "Jim, you can't go on the mission," he stated bluntly.

Spock, who stood next to Scotty at the transporter room, rose one brow. He turned to Scotty for an explanation, the engineer turned to Keenser, and Keenser turned to his left, but found no one there, so he turned back to the two officers and held his hands up in surrender. Spock, knowing neither knew what was about to happen, turned back to the crisis at hand. _The doctor was going to blow their cover, how expected,_ he thought to himself.

Jim looked around his crew confused. He gave a wary smile, "…Why not Bones?"

"Obviously this is about your safety," Bones proclaimed, his face appalled, as though this should be a given answer.

Looking back and forth between the Captain and the Doctor, the Commander thought to himself _what did the doctor think defined 'subtle'?_

However, the reaction the Captain gave was not what the Commander expected. Jim simply laughed. He stepped off of the transporter and snaked a hand around the doctor's shoulder, "Bones, Bones, Bones. Why don't you go take care of that tribble of yours?" He looked around McCoy's person in case he missed the furry creature. "Calm those stressful nerves of yours. Didn't Spock say something about their ability of calming the nervous system or something?"

" _Terran_ nervous system," Spock felt compelled to correct, "Vulcans are _immune_."

Both men turned to him. The Vulcan said nothing more. Leonard snorted before he shrugged off his friend his from his shoulder.

"Horatio isn't here because I don't trust transporter beams. He's perfectly safe in the medical bay, pampered by the nurses," McCoy replied, grimacing at the thought of his tribble being pet by hundreds of hands, "Regardless, by safety, I'm talking about your physical. You, by regulation, cannot go to your mission. You haven't been cleared by Medical Bay."

"Bones please don't start this again," Jim pouted.

The doctor shrugged, "I'm not startin' anything, kid. Don't avoid your darn physicals."

Kirk frowned, "I'm perfectly healthy…"

"Healthy? Oh we can't be too sure 'bout that, especially considerin' all the allergens you're sensitive to. I swear you have more to adjust on that paperwork than the hobgoblin does, absolutely ridiculous. What's to say you don't contract something on your trip down?"

"I couldn't possibly. I've had all my shots! I think…"

"Jim, I assure you, the moment you are a licensed doctor, I will start regarding your excuses as something close to valid," McCoy voiced, "Now find another leader for this charade."

Jim looked at the transporter room, where Spock stood. He then looked at Bones straight in the eye, "Commander Spock, I'm assigning you as leader of this charade- er away mission."

Spock proceeded to the transporter pad. He eyed the two men with much curiosity as he did, "Very well, Captain."

Kirk let out a heavy sigh and followed McCoy out into the corridors, "You made sure to use authorities as witnesses this time, didn't you Bones?"

Bones kept walking, but shot him a skeptical glance, "I haven't the slightest clue of what you're talkin about Jim."

"Seriously, Bones, you do this _every_ time. I thought academy days were over," Jim whined, "Why do you have to act like a mom? Do I _look_ like I'm about to fight a bunch of Cupcakes?"

"Sometimes I wish that's all you kids had to fight, baked pastries and cavities. Saves me the trouble. Now get in that sick bay and do as you're told."

"Fine," Jim pouted as he walked in. He passed a group of nurses cooing over their glorified mascot, "Hi Horatio…"

The tribble trilled in delight.

* * *

° *°*0*°* °

* * *

Jim ran quickly; there wasn't a moment to lose. His time was very short and the enemy was formidable. The Captain knew his own disadvantage. Territory. This area wasn't under his expertise. Another issue was that the foe trained his underlings good, too good. He was able to take down at least three attempting to jab at him, but they seemed to jump almost out of nowhere. He was outnumbered and with no backup.

He rounded a corner, crouched down and pulled out his communicator to check the time. Ten minutes to escape. He glanced around for enemies. However, as complex as it was, he knew the inner workings of his rival's mind well, and nothing came in more predictable than-

"JIM GET BACK HERE!" McCoy cried as he chased his friend, gripping his hypo like a small dagger. Horatio was tucked in his form-fitting black undershirt beneath his blue uniform shirt; looking like a fuzzy pimp necklace on his collar.

"I don't need this physical, Bones!" Jim exclaimed as a horde of nurses charged at him _. Didn't these people have patients to look after?!_ He ducked as he saw a hypo aimed to his face, causing most of the horde to crash into each other, and some to accidently inject themselves unconscious. He crawled over the sleeping bodies and ran before the CMO could catch up.

"Ensigns," the Captain chuckled to himself.

Kirk made a dash toward Uhura and Chekov, who were having a conversation in Russian. He gripped Chekov by the shoulders while he was still rattling off in his native language 300 words per second. He then leaned close to the young Ensign, "You're my friend, right Chekov?" Jim questioned.

The Russian looked at him disoriented, "Da, Kapitan…?" he wearily replied.

"So you may one day forgive me?" he whispered.

"Vait, vhat-" Chekov uttered, still confused, but Jim spun them both around just as Bones was dropping down his hand with the hypo.

Chekov was jabbed in the neck and collapsed on the ground. All three stared at his unconscious body.

Jim looked up triumphantly, but Bones gave him a smirk and lifted his blue shirt to show his belt. It was adorned with hundreds of hypos, ready and lined up for use. His tribble trilled, as if on cue. Jim's smile fell. Bones pulled two out and aimed it at him.

"Uhura please forgive me!" Kirk cried as he pulled her in front of him.

"How dare you-" Uhura began, but was jabbed with a hypo mid-sentence. Bones rushed to catch her before she collapsed on the ground, dropping the second hypo.

"I'd never let a lady fall and hurt herself," he muttered, and when he looked up, he saw the fleeing body of his Captain.

McCoy laid Uhura down gently before making a mad sprint towards his Captain, "You think I don't know where you're heading?!"

Kirk pushed through Spock, who was talking to an Ensign about turbolift safety, and entered said turbolift, pushing on the buttons frantically for the door to close. Bones rounded the corner and pushed forward.

"Come on, come on, come on!" Jim commanded, pushing the button harder. The doors began to shut slowly and Kirk lit up, but Bones handed Horatio to Spock and made a leap of faith. The doctor made it just in time before the elevator shut, landing hard on the floor.

Oh no. What could've been his saving grace was now his prison. The Captain chuckled nervously.

"Bones… _Bones_ ," Jim stated lightheartedly as he took a step back against the wall of the lift, "what could I possibly need this hypo for? Didn't we just check for uh… cholesterol yesterday?"

"I dunno Jim," the doctor stated, fixing his shirt and pushing his hair back, "how about we go make sure during your _physical_?"

The Captain set his jaw. He wasn't going to go down without a fight. He kept his eye on his friend as he pressed the floor to the transporter.

Crew members waiting for the turbolift heard bumping and crashing from within, and all looked at each other, wondering what could possibly be causing such a ruckus. There was loud thud, then silence. A few seconds later, the doors slid open, and everyone standing near the doors flinched at the sudden action.

The CMO was sitting on top of their Captain, who was on the ground unconscious. The doctor's hair was disheveled, and his uniform was slightly torn and worn from tugging. McCoy rubbed a heavily bruised jaw with the back of his hand, which was holding an empty hypo-cartilage. He was scowling down at Jim, who hardly had any bruises on himself, but was surrounded by six more empty hypo cartilages. Medication was spilled all over the floor. Bones looked up at the attention.

His grimace loosened and he licked the cut on his bottom lip, "Pardon ladies and gentlemen, this one is full," he stated curtly as he slowly stood up and limped over to press the floor to the Medical Bay. As the doors slid closed, they saw the doctor cross his arms and lean on one leg. He smiled down at Jim in nostalgia, who was knocked out cold.

"Doesn't this bring you back to the academy, Jim?"

* * *

° *°*0*°* °

* * *

"We will be approaching the planet in 15 minutes, Captain," Uhura announced from her post.

"Excellent," Jim commented, rubbing his hands together. He made sure to go to his physical a little before the mission. Bones had used this physical thing many times already and Jim wasn't about to miss missions because he was always last on the physical list. Or because he avoided them. So Kirk basked in the shocked reaction Bones gave him when _the_ James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise, came strolling in his Medical Bay to _demand_ a physical. The doctor, who had been giving his tribble a flu shot, gave him an impress look of approval, and directed him to one of the nurses in the med bay. Bam. Off the checklist. Who was the smart captain? He was.

He turned to Uhura, who was looking at him pensively. She glanced around, seemingly searching for something, "Has Dr. McCoy come by to remind you of your physical, Captain?"

Geez, was his whole physical avoidance _that_ bad? "Actually, Miss Uhura, I have already completed it. Bones will not be chasing me with a hypo today," he replied gleefully as he wrung his hands together, chuckling mischievously, "Mister Spock, man the com!"

Spock turned to his Captain, and then quickly turned to Sulu to order him to man the com instead. He followed in pursuit of the Captain and they entered the turbo lift, "Captain, if I may, when did you go through your physical?" he questioned.

Jim was too distracted in excitement to wonder why his officer was bothering to even follow him, "Glad you asked, Spock! I got it out of the way a little earlier before Bones could pull me out of de awahmisheh…"

Jim's eyes widened. Spock, who was clearly confused, raised a brow, "Before the doctor pulled you out of what, Captain?"

"Awahmisheh..." Jim tried, but quickly stopped. He blinked. _No. Nonononono_. He stared at Spock with wide eyes. And his first officer, puzzled even further, furrowed his eyebrows in an attempt to understand his Captain.

"'Awamisheh', Captain? Is that a Terran vernacular?"

Jim thought for a moment before he nodded quickly. He spoke through his teeth, "Yeah Shpock, vehmacomar."

Once the turbolift halted, Kirk made a dash for the transporter room. As he reached it some of the other crew members nodded and greeted him, passing him with worried glances. He nodded back and rubbed his hands together, they've been kind of itchy for a while. He looked down at them. Oh my gosh. Why were they were swollen?! He just came from a physical how could this…? _His physical._

"Captain," Spock asked as he jogged over to Jim, "What seems to be the rush? You mispronounced my name and the term vernacular, then promptly ran off."

Jim quickly hid his hands behind his back and stood straight. He grinned and shook his head.

"Oh, Capt'n," Scotty greeted as he approached the two officers, "have ye completed ye're physical yet?"

Jim rolled his eyes, "Dow twease meh." He paused. Oh crap. He spoke out loud.

The two officers stared at his mouth dumbfounded. No one said a thing, until their silence was interrupted by Bones calling out from a distance, trying to get through the swarm of crew members.

"Coming through, coming through! CMO here, can't you tell I'm in a rush?!" he told the other officers, "Jim! Get your swollen and discombobulated body over here! You are in no condition to leave the ship!"

"Buh Boes!" Jim cried out. The Commander and engineer took another glance at his mouth.

Scotty eyed his Captain's tongue then began to laugh, "Goodness laddy! What in deh world happened to yer tongue?!"

"Oh shuah up," He spewed out. This only made Scotty laugh harder.

"Keenser," he called through his laughs, "get over here an' take a look at this, wouldja?"

Keenser, who had been hauling a tool box at a slow pace, approached the group and dropped it in the middle of the circle. He looked up at Jim and stared at him for 10 seconds before dropping his head and shook it.

"Was thah meam?" Jim asked, pointing his chubby finger at Keenser. Bones pulled out a hypo and pressed it against Jim's neck.

"Owww!"

"It got yer hands, too?" Scotty snickered.

"This seems fairly familiar," Spock thought out loud, "Lieutenant Uhura had mentioned a situation such as this…"

"Whahhh?!" Jim questioned as he wrestled Bones with his med kit, "Sheh seh she wouldn teh a souh!"

"Sit still kid! I can't fix you if you keep squirmin' like a worm on a hook!"

Spock adjusted his stance subtly, "I believe the conversation was only relayed to me, as we share a… courtship."

Scotty smirked at the Commander before turning back to Kirk, "Ah yes. With relationships, Capt'n," the head of engineering reminded wisely, "no secrets can be kept."

Bones agreed, "Take it straight outta the mouth of the divorced man. Scotty's got a point. Now quit squirming, I've stopped the tongue from swelling further, but I've yet to get the swelling down from your hands."

Jim frowned and kept swatting at Bones' advances with his large hands. The doctor stepped back for a moment to adjust his hypo, "Dangit man! Would you stop it?! The troubles you have to bring about with your sensitive constitution…"

The Commander took this opportunity to approach Jim, "Captain, you are clearly not suited for command, and as first officer, I shall see to it that this mission goes through," The officer thought for a moment before he held out his hand in the traditional Vulcan farewell.

"SPOCK YOU-"

There was a loud hiss and Jim fell unconscious.

* * *

° *°*0*°* °

* * *

Jim woke up to the familiar setting of the Medical Bay. It was tragic that it was more natural to wake up in this place than in his own bed.

"Bones, why have you betrayed me?" Jim asked. He turned himself over only to find himself face to face with a trilling tribble, "You know, I see you more often than I would like, blood-buddy."

"He likes to keep patients company, regardless as to what I tell him," Bones answered entering the room, "And I didn't betray you."

Jim sat up from the bio-bed. This is getting too much of a norm and Jim wasn't liking it at all. The only way he ever wanted to wake up in a bio-bed is if he was attacked by an enemy, not his friends.

"Okay Bones, of course you didn't betray me. Oh, wait, would my allergies reacting jog your memory?" Jim questioned, wriggling his fingers, _"right after_ my physical?"

Bones went to pet his tribble, but refused to pick the creature up from the bed, "I didn't do your physical, remember? I was giving Horatio a flu shot." He did a quick pat on him for good measure.

"That's ridiculous-"Jim halted. He was right, Bones _didn't_ do his physical, "What? Then who is responsible for this?!"

Bones frowned, "It was one of the Ensign Nurses; he probably wasn't aware of your allergies."

"Is it not on my medical information?" the Captain questioned, appalled.

"Key word, Jim, _Ensign_ ," Bones answered, "I think it's the fact that the rookies have been taking most of the blunt of the physicals these recent missions. A rook's got to ride the bull to prepare for the rodeo, not hear about it in the classroom. You're the only one with these conditions, kid. The nurses have been doing so much routine work that they probably overlooked the allergies. Spock is the only one they consider as 'different conditions'."

"Bones, they could've _killed_ me," Jim answered bluntly.

McCoy's face hardened, "Don't say that, kid," he whispered. He reached for Horatio, looking at the small creature with a pinched expression, "I'd never let that something like that happen…"

Jim pursed his lips and was about to speak but Bones brought back his scowl, "I make every darn precaution to make sure that none of my injections are lethal. All they could ever do is bring up swollen limbs. Which your immune system seems to want to do every time. Not only do you seek trouble externally, but also internally!"

Jim rolled his eyes, "Geez, Bones, I get it," the man dragged his hand across his face before looking back up to his doctor, "I've asked Spock about this, and I'm going to do the same with you. You need to have a tighter grip on their training. I've been having random ensigns jumping in front of me like human shields and offering to kamikaze for me. It's getting unsettling."

"Okay now you're just being dramatic," Bones commented as he lifted his tribble to his shoulder and began to leave the room, "But I'll see what I can do, kid."

* * *

° *°*0*°* °

* * *

Jim walked through the corridor in thought. This was starting to get fishy. He couldn't convince himself that his two officers, his closest friends, were trying to hide something. Factors of their actions were very close to suspicious, but it could also be how they behaved.

Spock nerve pinching him. That wasn't all that new. More persistent than usual, but the Vulcan has done worse, so would that really count as something to suspect?

Bones hypo-ing him. Is that a verb? Regardless, Bones chased him around all the time with his med kit.

It was hard to pinpoint whether that was just how they were, or if something was up. He placed his hand on his chin as he trudged forward. He needed more proof!

That was when his eyes caught sight of a chip on the ground.

"What's this?" He whispered as he picked it up. He squinted his eyes to read the small label.

 _An Instructional Video on How To Protect Your Captain_

 _For Ensigns_

Jim raised his brows. _A what?!_ He turned the chip over. The print was even smaller.

 _Conducted research:_

 _First Officer Commander Spock_

 _Chief Medical Officer Leonard H. McCoy_.

The Captain looked around to see if this was a cheap trick from any of the Ensigns, but no one seemed to be filming from a corner. He looked back at the chip and walked forward to the bridge, where he took his seat in the Captain's chair. Glancing to his right, he took a look at Spock speaking with Uhura. He glanced down at the object in his hand and shifted in his seat. How would he go about bringing up the subject? He mulled over the different ways to approach it.

Bluntly?

 _"Commander Spock, did you and Bones make a video on how to protect me?_ "

Maybe he should ease his way on the subject…

 _"Mr. Spock, how are the training sessions with your Ensigns going? And do they happen to involve me? As a Captain, of course."_

Wow, that sounded horrible. Perhaps he should voice his main concern.

 _"Are you and Bones_ cooperating _on something?"_

Wait. That should be the dead giveaway! Spock and Bones? Cooperating? Nonsense! He chuckled to himself. So silly; this had to be a prank.

"Mister Spock, could you come here for a moment?" Jim requested merrily.

The first officer complied and stood before the Captain, "Yes Captain?" he asked.

Jim tapped the chip on his chin playfully, "Listen to this. In my hand, I've got a chip; this one you see here," he handed the chip to Spock, "And get a gist of this –no, wait, I'll just let you go ahead and read it yourself."

Spock took the chip in his hands and turned it front and back, "Where did you acquire this?" The Vulcan asked, confounded.

"I found it in the halls!" Jim answered, shaking his head, "Maybe the Ensigns are retaliating against your training sessions," he chuckled, "I mean, you couldn't have possibly made this, am I right?"

Spock studied the chip closely, "I see. You theorize it is a retaliation? Very well. I will find out whose chip this is," he replied in deep thought.

The Captain regarded his first officer closely, "go easy on them, would you, Spock?"

Spock turned to his friend and replied in his emotionless manner, "That is for me to decide, Captain. As the Ensigns are, of course, under my supervision. May I be dismissed?"

"Sure thing Spock," Jim answered cautiously. As the Commander walked away, Kirk sunk in his chair.

His first officer did not confirm his theory.

Spock wasn't one to beat around the bush and avoid answering questions unless he was 'hiding the truth'. The Vulcan could not lie, and Jim had studied his friend on many occasions. One of the main dead giveaways that the Commander made upon bending the truth is refusing to respond directly. On any other occasion, he would've replied with 'I do not recall ever creating such a chip' or 'the doctor and I would never collaborate on such a project' and maybe even 'I will make sure the Ensigns are aware that this is not appropriate conduct.' He answered vague enough for his reply to be interpreted as an agreement, but also to where he did not actually confirm anything _. Smooth Spock, smooth._

Kirk looked at his first officer talking to Uhura, and the young woman turned to Jim. Upon noticing that the Captain was staring at them, she quickly turned back to her work. He then turned to his other officers, Sulu and Chekov; who were talking amongst themselves as they sneaked glances at him.

 _Who else was in on this?_

.

.

.

 _ **A/N:**_ _BONES! I think that the way to stay subtle for Bones is to not be subtle, and that's something he realized for the beginning of this chapter. Jim would probably find it more suspicious if Bones WASN'T always trying to get on his back with his doctoring. But yeah, Jim suspects now anyways, so it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? Also, tribble has a name! Horatio! Named after McCoy. Hope you like it!_

 _I may do some bonus chapters at the end of this story, one of which may include what that chip actually contains. Cuz it sounds pretty fun._


	4. Communication Error

_**Disclaimers**_ : I do not own Star Trek, its characters, or any references made.

 _ **A/N:** Welcome back my fine looking readers (What? But PonceIndustries you cannot see how I look like I'm just a potato-) STFU you look fabulous. Now go to your mirror and tell yourself that. Be a Jim, for the love of space. Except for the whole suicidal missions part. I'd not recommend that. 0_0'_

 _Anyhow, special thanks once again to_ **Tishbing** _for allowing me to write this!_

 _Guess who is next? UHURA! Okay so let's see the methods this lovely lady takes on._ _I hope you enjoy_!

 **Translations: Communication Error**

The Captain eyed his Communications Officer suspiciously. The first officer had been sweet talking with the Lieutenant (he denies this but we all know) for the past few weeks, and the Vulcan was currently at the woman's post to give instructions of some kind. They were in a relationship, of course, so it's not like their constant chatter was unnatural, but he couldn't help but think that they were conspiring against him. Sulu and Chekov certainly were. They didn't really hide their suspicious glances from him, to be honest. Heck, Sulu typically just stared at him straight on when he was caught staring.

He supposed they were still tense about the whole situation. All he wanted was for them to get over it already. So he _died_. Big _deal_. He's over it now. Sure, there was initial panic, but they need to stop worrying about it. He pulled out of his thoughts as he noticed Uhura nod to the First Officer and approach him. Kirk quickly looked away to avoid accusation of eavesdropping.

"Captain," Uhura called out as she approached him.

Jim turned back around and pretended to be casual, "Huh? Oh, Lieutenant! Yes?"

His Officer gave him an unbelieving look before she continued, "Spock has informed me that you haven't let him in any of your missions due to your pettiness."

"I did not phrase the observation in such a manner," Spock declared from his post, "I merely stated that the Captain has been purposefully withholding me from all missions due to some sort of misplaced conclusion of recent my behavior."

"Spock, it basically means the same thing," Uhura retorted patiently. How come she never had that much patience with _him_?

Kirk tried to keep his face neutral at the interaction between his officers, "I've told Spock time and time again that I find his nerve pinching unacceptable. I guess you can say he's in time out."

"Time out?" Uhura repeated dryly.

"Time out," Kirk nodded gleefully.

"I'm working with children," She muttered mostly to herself before continuing her conversation, "Okay, okay. Forget it. I know there is no convincing you on the away missions matter so I hope you can permit me to request that he be allowed to the diplomatic missions, at least. You are basically boxing him in his post and it is seriously killing me having to play 'mental stimulation therapy' with him."

" _Whoa_ , wait, what?"

"Kirk if you don't get your head out of the gutter… He has nothing to do but to bring me old reports and logs and basically analyze the living daylights out of them with me. He used to be a Professor, if you understand where I'm heading. And as much I do appreciate learning, I cannot handle having to learn about the ' _Internal Workings of the Bridge Console Section 4.2_.' Do you know how many pages each section is? I'm dying, Captain."

The Captain raised his brows, straightening his posture in attention, "Really? _You_ guys think you're in pain? I haven't had my blood pumping in _ages_. I've been lounging in the Med Bay for the past few MONTHS. I'm going to grow a beer belly if I don't start exploring in some dangerous M class planet soon. If _anybody_ need this so called 'Mental Stimulation Therapy', it's me."

"Captain, this was an inquiry about Spock and I. Why did this start being about you?"

 _Because this whole conversation is happening because it is about me_ , Kirk thought as glared at her.

"I suppose he is very useful in diplomatic relations," Jim stated, but then directed his attention to his First Officer's back, "But he _has_ nerve pinch me in a diplomatic mission before!"

He could've sworn he saw the Vulcan's right ear twitch.

The woman crossed her arms in distain before giving a pause, "What about me?"

"I thought we weren't going to make this about ourselves, Miss Uhura."

Said woman rolled her eyes, "We agreed not making it about you, Captain. I can go with him. I am a Communications Officer, sir. I can not only facilitate smooth conversations, but I can also keep track of Commander Spock's… tendencies."

The Captain eyed his officer suspiciously, "What if I don't want Spock there, period?"

"He's your friend, Jim," Uhura chided, exasperated, "You're being childish."

Jim chuckled as he leaned back on his chair, "Okay, first off, for someone who was having a lover's quarrel on a Klingon infested planet, I'd like to call you out on that. Second, it is because he is my friend I'm not snitching on him to the brass."

"You're really not proving your point on the whole childish thing by saying 'snitch'."

"I really don't need to be arguing about this," Jim breathed out, drumming his fingers on his armrest. He glanced back at his Communications officer. She her hands on her hips, raising a threatening brow. He knew what she wanted. She wanted eyes on him. After all, Spock and Bones won't always be on his back. But the difference between his two closest friends and the rest of the crew is that he could very easily bend over backwards for them, but he wouldn't allow himself to be stepped on by his other crew members. He crossed his arms.

"No Spock. But if you are so concerned about any diplomatic relations, why don't just you come along?"

Uhura stared him dead in the eye, "And the other missions?"

"Yes, those too," he groaned as he scrubbed his face, "Look, I'll talk to Spock about our… problem. Better?"

Uhura shrugged, "As long as you do it."

Kirk removed his hands from his face, "Hey, hey. I'm the Captain here. Orders are given by me."

"Of course, Captain," his officer replied silkily, "and thank you for your cooperation," Uhura placed her hands behind her back –geez, she hangs out with Spock way too much –and departed to her station. On her way to her seat, however, the Commander stood up and addressed her silently.

"Have you truly been bothered by the topics of our evening discussions, Nyota?"

* * *

° *°*0*°* °

* * *

Kirk brushed off his dress uniform from non-existent dust. Most of the species of this planet seemed to steer away from him. He looked back and forth and none of them seemed to want to step near him. He also noticed that he was under close watchful eye of the security. Did he do something wrong? Or disrespected one of their customs? Something told him it probably wasn't him, but his crew. He glanced around and caught the sight of Bones. The doctor had his hand on a glass of what could only be alcohol. He clearly didn't seem to want to be at the event and kept tugging insistently at the collar of his dress uniform. Kirk subtly glanced at one of the security members before making his way over to his friend. They couldn't prevent him from talking to his own officers.

"Hey Bones," he greeted, and the doctor glanced at him, "do you think the beings here seem a little… standoffish?"

Bones scoffed, "Are you kidding me? They talk way too much, is the problem. Won't leave a man alone to himself for at least fifteen minutes," he took a chug from the glass he had in his hands.

The Captain frowned, "What? But they're basically ignoring me! What's their problem?!"

"Why're you asking me, kid? I don't run the show-"

A woman dressed in a very tight dress walked up to the two men. Both stood up a little straighter at her presence.

"Gentlemen," she voiced in a harsh –yet attractive –accent. She looked at the doctor and then to the Captain. When her eyes landed at the Captain, they quickly reverted back to the doctor.

"Sir, you must not speak to the Captain," she whispered, attempting to usher the man away. McCoy gave a confused glance at his friend and then to the lady.

"Why not, ma'am?" he inquired.

The woman, who did not seem too keen on uttering the reason in front of Kirk, grabbed the doctor by the arm and led him a few feet away. She leaned over to Leonard and began to whisper urgently.

"You see, the Captain is currently being guarded by special security today. It has been said that he was almost shot due to his fame, therefore he is being supervised until further notice. It is best he isn't approached due to his trauma; he is still a bit frazzled from the experience."

Bones rose both his brows and glanced over to Kirk. The Captain mouthed 'what is it?' to his friend.

It took McCoy a few seconds before he suddenly smirked.

"Why madam, you provide a good point," he murmured gently to the woman, "Now, I'm his physician; just checking up on him. He does feel a bit out of place, and he's told me that he's trying to talk to people in order to be polite, but I think it's best you and your companions give him some space."

The woman covered her mouth in embarrassment, "Oh my, I do apologize. I did not know you were his physician. I will do just that, sir."

Leonard ignored the gestures of attention Kirk attempted to relay and laced his arm around the woman's elbow, "I do appreciate that, my lady. Now, who informed you about this crucial information?"

The woman smiled at the doctor as he guided them further from Jim, "Why, one of my colleagues did. We have been warning the rest of the party of the situation due to the guidance of one of your officers, Miss Nyota Uhura. Lovely woman, she was. Very considerate."

Bones held back a chuckle, "Very considerate indeed, ma'am. Best Communications Officer in the fleet."

After the social gathering, Bones told Jim that the lady was simply intimidated by his dazzling nature.

* * *

° *°*0*°* °

* * *

Uhura stood next to Kirk. The Captain was discussing the planet's relations with the Federation, but he brought Uhura in order to speak in their native language. They were agreeable, but tentative beings. So he wanted to be sure they would feel as comfortable as possible. He watched as his officer spoke fluently to the Ambassador and his wife.

"So your Captain is recovering from an old wound?"

"Yes," Uhura stated professionally, "he did not want to miss this important diplomatic mission," she glanced at him and smiled brightly before turning to the leader bashfully, "please do not relay this to him, as he did not come here for pity, but rather, to respect your people."

The wife gripped her chest and turned to her husband, whom in turned nodded in understanding, "Of course, we will not mention this. In fact, do allow us to have a group of our guards to make sure he is safe."

Uhura lit up, "please do! It would be most helpful!"

He turned to Kirk, speaking once again in Standard, "You are a respectful Captain, James Kirk."

Jim gave a surprised smile, turning to Uhura, slightly confused, and then back to the couple, "Why thank you, I do try to make sure everyone is comfortable and that both parties end up satisfied with the results."

The Ambassador and his wife both nodded in understanding, "Of course Captain. We also hope that you are able to be comfortable as well."

Jim placed his hands on his hips, "Of course, this place has been very kind! Only the best!"

"That is good to hear," the wife replied, chuckling, "we will be greeting the guests, please do procure to inform us if you need anything."

"I will, thank you for your hospitality," Kirk replied. As they left, he turned to Uhura, "What exactly did you tell them?"

"I just gave you a bit of credibility, is all," Uhura shrugged, "am I dismissed? I don't really want to be around for when you try to be a player on the planet."

"You catch me in your roommate's room _one time_ and I never get to live it down…"

"You tried hitting on me too. I heard about Chapel. And then there's Carol."

"Okay, okay, go play with Spock," the Captain chuckled nervously. She smirked and stepped away.

The woman approached various groups of people and chatted with them. She crossed back and forth discussing with various species and finally settled to the small group Spock was in. The First Officer was exchanging scientific knowledge with some of the scientists of the planet. She was able to smoothly introduce herself to the circle of people. They began to speak about various topics until the Captain was mentioned.

One of he scientists cocked his head in inquiry, "your Captain seems very lonesome on his own. Perhaps we should speak to him?"

Spock, who had taken keen interest in the subjects being discussed, turned from the group and began to search for his Captain. He caught sight of Kirk, who was standing by himself. The Commander opened his mouth to agree, as he believed it was best the Captain not be left alone, but the Communications Officer spoke up first.

"Our Captain currently being guarded by security of the Ambassador," she announced.

The Commander rose a brow. He was not at all informed of this. All attention turned to Uhura.

"Oh?" A native asked, "Is there a particular reason why?"

The Communications Officer gave the group a gentle smile, "Why yes, our Captain suffers through some pains from the trip here."

Another scientist perked up, "I do recall he had suffered through a radiation incident right before the start of the mission."

"Does he still suffer from this?" He asked, directing his question to Spock. The Commander, noticed only by Uhura, stiffened.

Spock laced his hands behind his back, "He has not been well mentally." _This was not a lie_ , although Spock would not necessarily diagnose his Captain as mentally insane, he is not necessarily in the clear from it, either _. Then again, the Captain was human_.

"It is a matter of trauma," Uhura clarified, trying not to laugh at the response Spock gave, "He is perfectly capable, but he is undergoing certain stress. It is best to not attempt to converse with him during this time. The guards are there to keep him secure."

"That is very unfortunate," one of the scientist murmured, she then addressed the Commander, "has your Captain voiced any concerns throughout the mission?"

Spock took two seconds to pull out a legitimate complaint from Kirk before he nodded, "the Captain has told me he has been going through withdrawals." _Truth, although vague context._

"Did he take medication?"

"No," the Vulcan replied, adjusting his stance ever so slightly, "it is a matter of the missions not involving diplomacy." _Truth_.

Another native spoke up, "I see, he must be stressed to be involved in so many missions right after a major accident. Perhaps it is a matter of needing peace?"

"It is reasonable to assume," Spock replied slowly, raising his brows. _Response open for interpretation_.

Uhura smiled brightly, clapping her hands together once in thought, "Let us leave him to his own devices. You were stating that you studied genetics?"

As they continued onto other topics, Spock eyed Kirk attempting to get into different social circles, but he kept awkwardly bumping into one of the security guards.

* * *

° *°*0*°*° °

* * *

Jim didn't know who to talk to. This wasn't necessarily mutiny, but it might as well be. He knows those social barriers were Uhura. It's got her name written all over her. He had his hunches, like the conversations she had with the Ambassadors of every planet or the fact that she's a _Communications_ officer. He simply couldn't prove it. Honestly, he could just as easily omit her from away missions like Spock, but what he really wanted was to beam down in a mission with people he was friends with.

So his next away mission consisted of Lieutenant Sulu and Lieutenant Uhura. It was a small planet, and Jim prayed to God that no one stopped him from beaming down.

"Ya look a wee bit fidgety, Capt'n," Scotty cooed from his post, " _Scared_ of somethin'?"

Kirk glanced at the head of Engineering, "The only person scared will be you after I confiscate all your Romulan Ale."

Montgomery made a gesture of sealing his mouth and throwing away the key.

"Very much appreciated, Mr. Scott," he commented smugly, "Energize."

As he teleported onto the planet, the Captain looked around at the scenery in front of him. The place was surrounded by tall blue grasslands a little past their waists, orange ponds of thick liquid scattered randomly, and behind them was a forestry of trees. They had white trunks and gray and black leaves. Jim sighed in happiness. He took a few steps, chuckling and feeling giddy; this was the first landing party he had in a long time.

"Don't wander too far, Captain," Uhura called out to him, "we need to stick together."

Jim was too content to engage in an argument, but he kept walking forward. They could catch up; he wasn't necessarily running. He soaked in the sense of discovery and adventure, and then saw a burrow in the ground. Natives? He reached over to his universal translator and…

Oh this was just downright predictable. He glanced back at his team, who was catching up.

"Who took the universal translator from me?" He called out behind him; his level voice echoing in the land. Oops, he did not intent to project.

Lieutenant Uhura and Lieutenant Sulu looked at each other quizzically and then back at the Captain, "We don't have your universal translator."

Jim stalked up, with some difficulty through all the tall grass, to Uhura, who firmly stood her ground, "Are you telling the truth, Lieutenant?" he asked her firmly.

"Are you accusing me of _lying_ , Captain?" Uhura leaned forward and faced her Captain with sharp eyes.

Jim hesitated a moment; he couldn't tell whether or not the lieutenant was lying, but continued with his concern, "then where is my universal translator? I had it with me right before we departed!"

Lieutenant Sulu looked unimpressed, "are you sure you didn't drop it one your way here or left it behind?"

"I-" Kirk was about to retort, but then held a finger to his mouth, "Wait, shh."

The three all paused in silence. They hear some chirping noises near them. Sulu turned to the trees, but there didn't seem to be any birds or nests of any kind.

"No," Kirk whispered to the helmsman, looking around in the grass, "it's coming from the ground… I saw some burrows,"

"Why didn't you infirm us?" he communication officer commented in a hushed tone.

The blue blades of grass started shuffling and trails of movement all began to surround them, but the grass hid them from sight.

"Creepy," Sulu muttered, and Uhura shushed him. "What?" the helmsman murmured, "It's not like they understand Standard."

The swordsman was interrupted as blue streaks shot into the sky. They all flinched and watched as more and more projectiles ejected upward. Kirk squinted at the sky as they slowed and seemed to spread out bat-like wings.

"Captain, in front of you," his Communications officer whispered, and his eyes locked onto a creature that rose eerily from the blue grass. It seemed like it had some electric platform raising it up with how smoothly the creature elevated vertically.

The native had smooth blue skin and large solid green eyes. Other than the purple bat wings sprouting from its back, the creature appeared humanoid, but genderless. The others hovered in the air as the one on the ground, assumingly the leader, approached. It looked at all three, stepped forward, and began to sing.

Jim frowned and turned to Uhura. Nodding, she strode gracefully toward the Natives and began to sing a tune herself. The creature began to sing elegantly and dance towards the trio. Uhura narrowed her eyes in confusion, as the blue skinned native leaned forward and smiled at her, singing a harmonic tune and caressing her cheek. Nyota gasped and stepped back quickly.

Rather than singing back, she ran for the Captain and Lieutenant and shoved them to the ground. The creature sprouted its wings and extracted sharp talons from them. They all reached the ground as the wing swooped horizontally. One of the lower talons nipped Sulu on the arm.

"Run!" Uhura called out, and all three made a dash for the forest.

Kirk glanced at his officer, "Uhura, what the heck-?!"

"Captain, these Natives don't plan on greeting us. They plan on killing the leader of their herd and using the survivors as slaves."

"Wow, is _this_ what I've been missing out on the past few missions? Because I'm into this kind of cardio!"

"Not the time, Captain," Uhura scolded.

"Right, right," He replied in a chirpy mood, "Sulu, buddy, you alright?"

The helmsman gave a curt nod as he dashed alongside Kirk and Uhura; gripping his bleeding arm.

Jim pulled out his communicator, "Kirk to Enterprise," he called out.

" _Spock here_ ," his commander answered, _"What are your order-_ ," the conversation was interrupted as the communicator crashed into a branch.

"Whoops."

Both his Lieutenants groaned in frustration. Uhura was about to pull her communicator out, but a shrill tune sounded above them and the natives dove from the canopies of the trees like meteors. Sulu shoved Jim forward before one of them could grab him and both tumbled forward, crashing into the mesh of roots.

"Captain! Lieutenant!" Uhura called out and made a U-turn back to the crew. She was about seven feet away when one of the natives landed in between them in two large rings. One group surrounded Sulu and Kirk, and the other around Uhura. They slowly stalked forward.

"Did you happen by any chance catch _how_ they kill the leader?" Jim called over to Uhura. Sulu glanced over at the Communications officer apprehensively.

"Does that really need explaining, Captain?" Uhura answered back through her teeth. She stood up straighter and held her head up high as the Natives eyed her, almost invading her personal space.

Jim shrugged as another blue being stepped closer, its eyes narrowing, "I just want to know how I'm going to avoid the whole... uh, dying thing."

Uhura lowered her hand to her phasers; her demeanor very determined, "what makes you think they're going after _you_ , Captain?" she eyed Hikaru, and the man nodded at her. He lowered his hand on his communicator.

Jim narrowed his eyes at Uhura suspiciously. His hand hovered over his own weapon, "I'm the leader. They're going to go after _me_ , aren't they? …You established that _I_ was the leader, right?"

"I never had the chance to establish any sort of labels when I greeted them, Captain," Uhura replied darkly as she stunned three Native and pushed through the opening. All the Natives began to chase after her; leaving only four behind to watch over Kirk and his Lieutenant. None of them seemed to attack; they were just menacingly watching over them.

"You're _kidding_ me," The Captain growled, turning to Sulu. The helmsman shrugged, but winced due to his cut. Serves him right.

"Uhura to Enterprise!" The communications officer called out as she fired back at the birds chasing her.

" _Spock here_ ," the Commander called out, " _what is the status down there, Lieutenant?"_

"Beam us up, Commander, Natives are after us all! Sulu and I are sending coordinates right now! Uhura out!"

The Commander contacted Scotty to do just that.

"Not on my watch, Uhura," Kirk muttered, glaring at the blue beings. One of the natives took a step forward, but Jim whipped out his phaser and stunned all four natives surrounding them. He then began running forward in an enraged dash to his other Lieutenant. However, Sulu called out their coordinates through his communicator, and they both energized back to the transporter room.

Kirk turned around to Sulu, ready to yell at him, but Uhura beamed up next to him. All three were out breath and panting from the running.

Ignoring his helmsman, Jim walked over to his lieutenant instead. He jabbed a finger at her, "You told them that _you_ were the leader?"

"Correction, Captain," Uhura responded, swatting his index finger away, "They _assumed_ I was the leader,"

Sulu noticed Dr. McCoy come in the room and swiftly walked over to him. He was glad to step away from the messy situation.

"And why was that?" Kirk asked lividly. He began to pace back and fourth, "if you falsely stated your rank-," he stopped pacing and turned to her, "I thought you followed rules!"

"I didn't say I was the leader nor I did not say I was the Captain or even my rank and position. I just greeted them."

"Then why _you_? Why not Sulu? Why not me?"

The Communications Officer crossed her arms, "Simple. They assumed that since I was the one who came up to them, I was the one in charge of the group."

"Of course, that explains everything," Jim stated sarcastically, "could you not have introduced me when you greeted them?"

Sulu leaned over McCoy, searching him, "where's Horatio?" he questioned the doctor in a hushed tone.

"He has no business entering this molecule-jumbling room," McCoy growled as he injected a hypo onto the Lieutenant and finished tending his injury.

Uhura lifted her hands in exasperation, "Obviously they began to attack before I could even get to that part!" she complained.

"Don't yell at your superior officer," Kirk scolded.

"Then don't demand the impossible from your subordinates," The woman rebutted.

The helmsman pouted at his doctor, "He's just nice to hold when you come doctor us."

"The heck? Doctor is not a verb, Lieutenant, it's a noun. Besides, my tribble isn't some cheap therapy ornament you can squeeze because you can't handle the pain," McCoy grumbled as he scanned the lieutenant for any more injuries. He then stood up and left to go check on Uhura.

The Captain gripped his head "I'm not asking for the impossible! I'm asking to be treated like a Captain!"

Uhura allowed McCoy scan her with his tricorder for injuries as she spoke, "Well I'll make sure to introduce you as our loving, conceited, playboy airhead next time, then!" Uhura called back, crossing her arms.

"Then do it!" Kirk stated, pinching the bridge of his nose, "As long as they know I'm the leader, I could care less of how they think of me! You could have died unnecessarily!"

Uhura huffed, looking at the ceiling. She uncrossed her arms and looked at her Captain, "I don't regret what happened, Captain," she said, looking at him in the eyes, "take it as a lesson from you, if you want," Her face was somber, but stern.

Jim wavered internally at the statement, but kept his face stern.

Suddenly, the doors to the room swooshed open. Spock strode in purposefully, "I hope that you are well?" he inquired walking up to the group.

Kirk sighed, "Just some scratches I suppose, but-" the Vulcan walked right past the Captain and straight to Uhura. He planted himself solidly in front of the woman with military precision. The lieutenant gave him a gentle smile.

"Nyota, I do not believe that you should endanger yourself unnecessary. You shall not make a repeat of this."

Uhura returned a pointed glare, "Oh but you're allowed to be ditched inside an explosive volcano?"

Jim turned to Bones and Sulu, gesturing at the couple in question. Weren't they supposed to be worried about him? He shook his head, "We need to get back to the Bridge. Everyone fill out a report over this on the log."

As Kirk left the room, McCoy followed him with a tricorder and called out to him, "Do you need me to remind you of everyone's names, kid?"

"You aren't funny, Bones," The Captain replied sarcastically.

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 _ **A/N:** Uhura! She actually got a bigger chapter XD Could be because I featured more characters in hers, but you held the spotlight for the most part. I apologize for the late chapter. I hope to have the next on in less time. Next one up: Scotty!_

 _See you next chapter!_


	5. Engineering

**Disclaimers** : I do not own Star Trek, its characters, or any references made. Heck, I don't even own the idea; it was prompt given to me!

 _ **A/N:** Hello you wonderful readers! This update is earlier! Next up: SCOTTY! And along with Scotty, I decided Keenser would be featured too, since the two are so close. Plus he's just so adorable! This chapter includes the second part of Bonus 5 in the prompt!_

 _And let me not forget to thank_ **Tishbing** _for allowing me to write this story!_

 _I hope you all enjoy this next chapter!_

 **You're needed in Engineering**

When he thought that everyone would be walking on eggshells, he didn't necessarily think that everyone would take the next stride and think they were going to be walking over minefields. What he needed was tactical persuasion. He was good at that, right? His brain was hurting from all this thinking… He glanced to his CMO, who was carrying his tribble. He eyed Horatio for a moment before speaking.

"Can't I hold him?" Kirk pleaded, shifting his food tray to one arm and extending his other to his physician.

"No, Jim," Leonard muttered, shifting Horatio away from the offending limb while trying to balance his own tray of food, "Lord knows where your dirty hands have been."

Kirk pouted, "I'm stressing Bones, and I need to calm my nerves. Stop hogging him."

"Dangit kid, stop trying to snatch him from me, I'm gunna drop my tray of food!"

"Geez, you're worse than a mother hen," Kirk began, looking to the side. His eyes caught sight of his Helmsman and Head of Engineering, "We're sitting somewhere new today," he declared to his CMO.

"Scotty, Sulu! How have you guys been?" Kirk greeted as he plopped onto the chair across the two. Bones sat next to Jim, greeting the two officers with a nod. Perhaps he could convince them to leave him alone before they start any unnecessary bubble-wrapping. The two officers looked up in confusion, but nonetheless greeted them.

"I'm fine, Captain, thank you for asking," replied the helmsman.

"All's well, Capt'n," followed the engineer. His voice sounded hoarse and tired.

"Doesn't look like it for you, Scotty. You look terrible," Kirk commented, taking a bite of his mashed potatoes, "what's eating you?"

Scotty shrugged tiredly, "Problems down at engineerin'. Hard tah hold thah fort what with all theh young knuckleheads this ships is full of…"

"Hey, they may be young, but they are all nonetheless capable," Kirk declared proudly.

McCoy spared a glance at his Captain, "What a _bias_ opinion," he grumbled as he handed his tribble to the Engineer. The man took the small creature delicately in his hands and it began to trill.

"I cannot understand how yer so grouchy with this lil fella on yer shoulder every day, Leonard," Scotty chuckled, rubbing his cheek on the fur of the tribble.

"Watch it Montgomery," the doctor chided playfully, "You want to keep holding him, or do want me to take him back?"

"Come now, doctor, yah know I'm justa teasin'."

"Wait," Kirk grumbled, pointing his fork at Scotty, "how come he gets to hold it?"

"I thought he wasn't a cheap therapy ornament," Sulu commented dryly.

Scotty huffed, returning the tribble to McCoy woefully, "I'ma never allowed any pleasures. It's best I hold thah lil guy when we play poker at thah end of our shift."

McCoy shrugged, "they're kids, Montgomery. They're just used to getting what they want."

Sulu frowned, "Are you lumping me in the same category as our Captain?"

"That's something to be proud of, Lieutenant," Kirk commented, not really hiding the fact he took offense to that.

"I'd rather not retort to that," Sulu stated, taking a bite out of his salad.

The engineer raised his brows, "I'll do it for yah, Lieutenant. The man's an arrogant jerk, is what he is."

"Confident and arrogant are two different things, Scotty," Jim replied, crossing his arms.

"Indeed Capt'n, an' yer _both_."

Sulu snorted, but kept his face straight as the Captain glanced at him.

"Anyway," Kirk started, attempting to change the subject, "I was thinking of easing to my next mission with new tactics."

All three officers looked at him with confused faces. Kirk smiled smugly and returned to playing with his potatoes, "that's right. I've thought this through," He paused. He really didn't think this through, "…I'll be bringing a BUNCH of redshirts, that's one thing." The Captain internally cringed for lack of better plan. He thought best under pressure, not sitting casually in the cafeteria!

Sulu's face went deadpan, "Really," he stated sarcastically, "That seems _really_ innovative compared to most of your other plans."

The engineer chuckled weakly, "Capt'n, yer surrounded by redshirts on thah daily basis already, what makes yeh think yer going to keep still even with a buncha muscle heads surrounding yah?" he leaned back on his chair, "yeh always seem tah be sneakin' around everywhere regardless."

Kirk frowned, nothing really came to mind, "Well, medical will be with me too, in case I do happen to get into trouble."

Bones snorted at the reply, "Chances of you listening to either groups are slimmer than an RNA strand." Horatio began to crawl toward his tomatoes and he quickly lifted him up, "Nuh-uh. You ate your fill. Don't need you reproducing all over the ship."

"What?" Kirk turned to the doctor.

"Erm, the RNA strand," the doctor replied curtly, "Ribonucleic acid. Its single stranded, unlike DNA, which is double-stranded. Hence the metaphor," his eyes darting to his tribble once and back to the Captain.

"That's not what I-" the doctor scowled deeply until Jim lifted his hands in surrender and turned back to Scotty, still confused. Sulu mirrored the expression. The Scotsman, on the other hand, snorted, and then tried to cover the noise with a cough.

"Point is Captain," he began, bringing them back to the topic at hand, "is that yah don't listen tah rules, an' I highly doubt yer goin' tah start now."

Jim had to admit, it was a poor attempt. He was good at diplomacy and persuasion, but he these were his friends and he mostly brought out that ability when he was surrounded by strangers or danger. Stranger dangers, if you will. That and he assumed they knew him well enough to call out on his major bluffs or suave way of words. Regardless, he felt regret that he hadn't planned something out to say before he decided to improv on the spot.

* * *

° *°*0*°* °

* * *

Of course, after that reckless conversation, someone had to start babysitting him. Surprisingly, this time Scotty was the next opponent. Truth be told, he expected someone on his bridge to attempt, since they were all in such close proximity, but his engineer sort of just burst in on his own account. And he wondered if the man had been a bit excited on that prospect too.

"Capt'n!" Scotty called out urgently as he stepped out of the turbolift and onto the Bridge.

"Scotty?" Kirk questioned, shocked as the engineer strode with purpose toward him.

"I need yeh to approve of some modifications before yeh head out ta yer next mission!"

Kirk turned from his engineer and back to his bridge crew; they were all staring at him. Upon reaching eye contact, they all quickly snapped their attention back to the window.

"Uh… okay Scotty? What do you need me to approve?" Jim asked as he crossed his legs, _it's like they aren't even trying to hide it anymore._

"Yer gunna have to follow me tah engineerin', Capt'n," Montgomery declared, with his hands on his hips.

Kirk raised a brow, "I'm going to _follow_ you?"

The engineer chuckled, "Yah cannot possibly expect to approve of all thah things I do without confirmin' it yerself, can yah Capt'n?"

Looking around the room, Jim looked back at the redshirt, raising a suspicious brow, "well isn't that what _you're_ here for?"

"I can relay the same question tah _you_ ," Scotty replied, lifting a brow of his own. Spock's signature move was contagious.

Jim wasn't about to lose this argument. He rested his chin on the back of his hand, "Well how have I been able to approve of all the other transactions before, then?" he asked in a smug tone.

"They were all under regulation," the head of engineering spelled out, "what I'm asking 'bout now aren't under thah starfleet's lil' booklet, laddy. I'ma man of innovation, and I'ma tryin' tah make breakthroughs the likes of Starfleet have never seen! So I need a Capt'n's approval. With witness confirmation."

"But I haven't had this kind of issue before," Kirk stated firmly, "what difference does it make now?"

"What with you in Med Bay all theh time, I've not had thah chance tah ask yeh tah fill out all of thah _other_ forms," his Scottish friend commented, "So I'm goin tah need some witness approval on thah past modifications I've made from yeh on _those_ too. Yer lucky I let it slide before."

 _Did I just dig myself in a deeper whole?_ Kirk thought. He pinched the bridge of his nose and pleaded feebly, "Can't you let it slide for… five years?"

"Don'ta be ridiculous, Capt'n!"

"Three years?"

"Not possible."

"Two years?"

"Nay Capt'n."

"Six months?"

"The Missus has gone through far too much to be cast aside like this, Jim!"

Kirk landed his face onto his palms before finally consenting, "Alrighty Scotty, I'll head down there."

The Captain then spent the next 3 hours signing paperwork in the engineering room.

"Couldya write in cleaner handwrittin'. Capt'n? We don't justa scribble letters onto thah paper like medical departments," Scotty chided, looking over Jim's shoulder, "we've got to be able tah read thah paper! Delicate business engineerin' is and all."

"Scotty, lay off my handwriting. I just missed the landing party because of your stupid engineering."

" _Excuse_ me?" Montgomery questioned, "were it not you, Capt'n, I'd say that would be an indirect insult tah Miss Enterprise! You may say she's yer lady as the head of command, but it is _I_ who cares for her, cleans her, keeps her company when she'sa tired of yer constant badgering and it is _I_ , Capt'n, that helps her out when yer off smashin' her into the planets out in the cosmos!"

Kirk huffed, "I'm sorry, okay? I just… I just haven't been able to follow through a decent mission in… since… heck, the fact that I don't even know since when should explain as much!" He placed his face in his hands. He stayed like that for a long time until he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Scotty," Jim said, touched, but as he turned his head to face his friend, he ended up making eye contact with Keenser, who patted his shoulder lightly.

"I mean… _Keenser_ ," the Captain amended awkwardly, the moment gone. Keenser nodded reassuringly.

The engineer peeked at the corner of his pad and then back at his Capt'n, "three hundred more pages tah go, Capt'n." Scotty encouraged.

Jim groaned as continued to scribble onto the pad.

* * *

° *°*0*°* °

* * *

Scotty was a little more strategic about his 'engineer runs'. He never really had a need for such procedures unless the mission that they approached sounded dangerous. And even with that, it would be necessary that he would need to have a thorough check with engineering.

"Why Capt'n, it would make sense if I would wanta have a sound ship when she approaches dangerous territory," the engineer replied as Jim relayed his concern over his timing. They both were on their way to engineering after a long back and forth of arguing. Which Scotty had very obviously won.

Chekov, who was off-duty, jogged over to the two, "Ees it alright eef I join?" he asked, catching up to their stride through the corridors.

"Why would you want to join, Chekov?" Kirk asked, confused.

The young ensign seemed to want to roll his eyes, "Oh that ees good question Keptin, perhaps you ask yourself same question when assigning thee young ensign to hed of engineering?"

Ouch, point taken, "That was an emergency," Kirk replied, looking back at Scotty, who was giving him a skeptical glare.

"Of course, Keptin, vut I vould like to learn more about of engineering een case such occasion come agein," Chekov shivered. Hopefully it wouldn't.

The Captain cleared his throat and avoided looking at his young navigator.

"Well, shouldn't all this business be taken care of before we get so near the planet?" Jim questioned Scotty as they all entered the engineering room. His question had been answered during the argument earlier, but he was feeling petty.

The engineer shook his head, "I would if I could, Capt'n, but mosta my modifications are done in regards tah thah planet we approach. It's an adaptive approach, yah see," he turned to Kirk with a pout, "have yeh not been readin' my reports, Capt'n?"

The captain swirved his head away from Montgomery his head, "Pff, of course!" he replied, finding the piping in the corner more interesting, "but seriously," he voiced in a stern tone, "you can't expect me to understand all that jargon."

"You must study more ofteen, Keptin," Chekov chided, "thee Keptin must know thee most!"

"No one asked, Chekov," Jim muttered, but the boy easily distracted himself by running off to a group of ensigns working with the Jeffries tubes.

"Don'ta make a mess in my engineerin' room, laddy!" Scotty called out as the ensign dashed past different workers carrying heavy machinery.

"I wonder how the lad was able to deal with all these contraptions without loosin' half his locks. Bright lad, no doubt, but not completely experienced," he sighed as he watched the engineer crew greet him politely, an unnecessary luxury typically lost in the bluntness of the department, "could be his cute disposition; my engineerin' crew knows no bounds to the cuter things in life."

They moved on and came across Keenser. He approached the two as they walked deeper into the boiler room. He patted his Captain on the back as he took his place to the man's right; opposite of the engineer. Jim smiled at him and attempted to pat his head, but was slapped on the hand before he could.

"Ow!" He cried out; Keenser didn't exactly have the softest hands on the Enterprise.

"Oh no, don'ta do that," Scotty warned, "He doesn'ta like it when yah pat his head. 'Cept for me, of course,"

Jim rolled his eyes, "there are too many pets on this ship," he muttered. And he was awarded with another smack on the hand.

"Ow!" He called out again. Keenser crossed his arms and walked around him to stand next to the engineer.

"Now look what ye've done, laddy. Ye ticked the lil' guy off," Scotty shook his head in disapproval, "callin' 'im a pet."

"Good grief," Jim breathed out. He kept walking forward and looked around at all the different mechanics in the room. Huh, a lot of the stuff looked pretty cool in here. He may pass by in his own time just to check things out. He turned to his left and noticed that Scotty wasn't walking next to him.

"Scotty?" Jim called out looking to his right and left and then finally turning back around.

He saw Scotty in front of the decontamination room where the warp core was located in. His hand reached out and he lightly placed his hand on the glass. Keenser stood next to him, and looked back at Kirk as he approached the two.

"Scotty?" Kirk asked gently, trying not to get too close.

"Not many a man can do what yeh did, Jim," Scotty whispered, his memory of the scene clear in his mind; the ghost of his Captain dragging his own dying body onto the decontamination room, and Spock demanding he be set free. Then himself, unable to do anything about it… how could he? It hurt him just as much to tell him that. The engineer frowned deeply as his hand gripped into a fist.

Jim furrowed his eyebrows at the seen. He then glanced at Keenser before taking a deep breath to speak, "Dangit Scotty, I've got work to do, so stop oggling over Miss Enterprise's lady parts and get me to whatever machinery you need me to look over!"

Scotty flinched, but immediateimmediatelyly turned around swiftly, "As the head of engineerin' I have every right ta oggl' over the Missus!" he asserted, slightly offended the Captain didn't understand the importance of his moment.

"Oh yeah?" Jim proclaimed, "Well that explains why it takes you so long to recover the engines when we run into trouble. To busy staring at them."

The Scott's face reddened in fury, "Now listen here, laddy, ye ask for the impossible!" he took a step forward and gestured around the engineering room, "you think this is some kinda magical fairy land full of leprechauns grantin ye wishes?! Huh laddy?! Now come here and follow me tah finished up this paperwork! I'll mix in some of _my_ paperwork if yah keep this rotten attitude up!"

Jim rolled his eyes, following suit behind the engineer, "Yeah, yeah, Scotty, I'll hurry up."

* * *

° *°*0*°* °

* * *

Kirk circled the rim of the glass he was drinking from. He looked down at the honey colored liquid and gathered his thoughts together.

"Thanks for talking to me," he began, glancing up at his companion, "I know you get pretty busy, and you usually don't seem the type to be around or approach people independently. But, I thought that if there is anyone on this ship with capable confidentiality skills, it's you," Kirk cupped his hands around his drink and took a chug before speaking again. Liquid courage.

"Let me begin with the obvious. I think everyone is out to get me. I mean, I know they all care about me, but it's as though they don't take me seriously. I'm not _trying_ to die; it's a perk, er, _part_ , of the job. It's dangerous. And as the Captain, it's my duty to ensure that everyone comes out alive. Does that make sense?"

Jim sighed, looking down at the surface of the drink, "I mean, I suppose I _could_ be careful. But it's a crazy place out there! I don't just say, 'today I'm gunna let a bunch of natives attack me!'" he tugged at his shirt, "again, Captain... Look, I want to talk to everyone about this, but I don't think talking will show them anything. My actions should speak volumes, right? Right. But it hasn't been working. I've had red shirts and ensigns make protective circles around me!"

Kirk waved a hand, "That's beside the point, though. I guess my real question here is about Scotty. Do you think I should step out there and tell Scotty straight, or should I full out brawl with him?"

He glanced up for a moment and frowned, "Don't look at me like that. You just get along with him better, so you naturally want to pick his side."

Keenser was sitting in front of him, straight and attentive. The creature held out its hand in a thumbs up position, but directed it in the middle.

"Yeah, I figured as much too…," he stood up, patting the table counter, "Thanks Keenser. I'm glad I got that out of my chest. Really needed that."

Few minutes after Kirk left, Scotty came in looking for his little friend, "Where are yah, lil' guy? Break will be over soon an' here I am wastin' time frettin' an trying' tah look fer yer sorry self! KEE- oh, there yah are," the engineer approached Keenser, but paused in shock, "ye've been drinkin' without me again? Come on now! Yah know yeh can't limit yerself without me around. And now ye've gone an' wasted yerself silly. Right before yer shift, too. How are yah suppose tah be useful when yer brain is mush an' yah can't even stand from that chair!"

* * *

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Scotty typed furiously in thought; he wouldn't deny that he had a sort of sadistic tendency toward his Captain when it came to these scenarios. Of course, the Captain was his friend, and the Scottish man would do anything in his power to keep him safe. However, after that stale encounter over the torpedoes, and Kirk's constant fickle demands on working miracles, Scotty could not help but feel that the next plan he had in mind was sprinkled with a little bit of pay-back. Topped with love, of course.

But if pay-back were the sprinkles and love were the cherry, one could assume which amounted the most.

So as Captain Kirk banged his fists against the glass within a Jeffries tube, Scotty had to look away for a moment to contain his snickers.

"I-I don'ta know how this coulda happened Capt'n," his engineer cried out, trying to relay his concern, "but I'll get you out right away, sir, right away!"

Kirk watched as Scotty stood before one of the control panels, typing furiously and slamming his fist on the counter. If the man was acting, he was playing the role pretty good. He turned to look at Keenser, who was simply standing before him, looking at the glass with his hands behind his back. Like he was some sort of strange exotic creature. Dangit Keenser, I trusted you!

"Just break the glass, Scotty!" The Captain called out, slamming on the glass once again. He was lucky this thing wasn't filled with water. _I saved this guy in seconds when he got trapped! Why is this taking him forever?!_

Scotty flinched from his calculated concentration and looked back at his superior officer, "Are you insane, Capt'n?! That tube is connected to the filtration system! If anything, it has to be cleaned out thoroughly after we get yeh outta there!" he paused at the implications that this may have created, "er, not that I think yer not capable of hygienic habits, of course. Thah machinery justa needs to be squeaky clean an' organisms tend tah be full of germs, sir. Any ol' speck of dirt could cause our demise. Not that yer a speck of dirt, sir, just ah, a large chunk that's causin' plumbing issues. Well, not a large _chunk_ , sir, yer quite fit, but a rather sizable-"

"Scotty just get me out," Kirk's muffled voice interrupted deadpanned. This is why he always turned off the comm whenever Scotty tried to explain himself. The man could do his job really well, but he was horrible at keeping a conversation when he was in the middle of fixing something. That, and it's not as though conversation was necessary in the first place. He just needed to fill the air with words to a certain extent.

He thought to how this all happened. He had informed Scotty that he would make this trip the last one –and he meant it this time– and the engineer complied very easily. He kept a weary glances at his surroundings as he walked into engineering to approached the machinery Scotty told him needed his inspection, but fell through the metal mesh they called floor and into some sort of large piping and straight into a Jefferies tube. When he demanded what the heck was going on, five ensigns approached the tube and called Scotty, who was about two floors up, that the Captain stepped in one of the tiles they were still working on.

And so there he was, waiting for Scotty to free him from this glass prison.

Chekov, who had been working in the Jeffries tubes as well, came from his station and into the area where Jim was stuck in. He took a glance at his Captain before he made a U-turn to bend over and laugh. The ensign attempted to compose himself as he wiped a tear from his face, but once he looked over at Scotty, his eyes widened and he began to laugh once again.

"Oh no," he giggled, "I cannot take thees anymore, I must leave. Gud luck, Keptin, and hev _fun_ , Meester Scott," he called as he left the room.

"You should be helping Scotty, Chekov!" Kirk called out to his ensign, but the navigator was long gone by then. He knew the ensign had played a part in this, and thinking back on it, it was utterly obvious.

"Uh, Capt'n," Scotty asked, off-handedly as he kept typing functions on the control panel, "Mister Spock is inquirin' where yah were, so I informed 'im that yer stuck in a messy situation down in engineerin'. He says that-"

"-He's going to take care of the mission…" Jim finished deadpanned. Figures.

"Yessir, Capt'n. And don'ta yah worry, I'll have yah out soon enough!" Scotty replied confidently.

Keenser walked away from the Jefferies tube and approached the head of Engineering. He looked over at what buttons Scotty was exactly pushing, and found himself looking at the man playing Tetris on two different pads.

"It's not as easy as it looks, Keenser," Scotty stated wisely.

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 ** _A/N:_** _O_ _h Scotty, we all knew that paperwork was actually YOUR paperwork. Also, no one can top Scotty's double Tetris. I feel like he just stresses so much, and this whole Jim spectacle was just a major outlet for his 'I really care about my friend Jim, but what he really needs is a swift kick on the ol' noggin'_ ** _._** _As for Keenser, he wasn't a traitor, he was super wasted cuz if Jim and Scotty scolded for it, this was revenge, Captain!_

 _I am making so many bonus chapters after this story it is ridiculous. Remember that little reproducing joke McCoy had at the beginning of the chapter? Yeah, something happened there, and Scotty was involved, which is why he snorted. But what happens in Med Bay stays in Med Bay. Look forward to that little story later on_!

Until next chapter!


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